Anonymous Advocate: Allergies Ahoy!

Spring is finally here in New England! And as any true New Englander knows, with the arrival of spring also comes the arrival of allergies. Environmentalists predict that because of this year’s record-breaking snowfall, the pollen count is bound to be off the charts, and that means fantastic news for allergists but also happens to be the bane of those who suffer from environmental allergies.

So if you’re like me and feel your existence becoming threatened due to the approaching season change, I am here to tell you that you’re going to die, there is nothing to fear! Here are a few simple guidelines to follow before you decide to sell your soul stock up on OTC’s that have little-to-no chance of working.

  • Don’t leave your house. 

Now I’m presuming that’s not an option, so my next piece of advice is one that we’ve all heard which is, WASH YOUR HANDS. We all know that you’ve been snot-nosing since the start of spring so do us all a favor and keep it to yourself. This will not only prevent the spread of diseases that will further weaken the immune systems of us long-sufferers, but it’ll also wash off some of the allergens that could possibly be on your hands.

  • Move.

Is living in the city better? I don’t know, like, are there even trees there? Trees are a myth created by society. So for those of you who live in the city or in other rural areas where the pollen count is outrageous and hay fever runs rampant, try wearing a surgical mask. They’re not just there for decoration (ok well some are) but they’re super useful not only when doing woodwork (sawdust sucks) but it’s also effective in blocking out pollen and other airborne allergens. You’ll look ridiculous but at least you won’t look like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

  • Destroy all plants.

Let’s not forget every allergen-activist’s best friend, Tissues! Now for this you can either go cheap, (you know what I mean), you can go with the more pricey ones, ( y’know the nice ones with like, lotion to soothe the reindeer within), or you can be like me and just grab whatever happens to be remotely close to a snot containment unit. The important thing here is to remember that you should never EVER forget tissues or you’ll be even more miserable than you already are.

  • Portable decontamination unit.

Do they sell those? Can I buy one, I need to know. But in a meantime the second best option would have to be, Hand Sanitizer. What is this you might ask? Well, rumor has it that long ago, a certain human being developed a formula that would destroy 99.9% of bacteria that lived on the surface of the skin and could spread harmful diseases. This formula not only did not require water, but it was also more convenient than running all the way to the bathroom to wash your hands (because who has time for that!). Now, the problem is, that most people seem to be blissfully unaware of this product, and continue to spread their germs to other poor unfortunate souls. Just 99 cents a day could help a coworker in need. Save a nose, use hand sanitizer.


About slapioneer

The official student newspaper of South Lancaster Academy

Posted on April 27, 2015, in Anonymous Advocate, Top Stories and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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