Your Parent/Teacher Conference Survival Kit
Aahhh. Do you smell that? No I’m not talking about the fresh spring air or the impending promise of allergies. I’m talking about the blood that’s about to be shed during the upcoming parent/teacher conferences. If your grades are anything like mine this quarter, the bottom line is this: you are going to die. But we’re not just high school students, we’re not just failures; we are survivors, we will live. So without further ado, here’s your personalized parent/teacher conference survival kit.
1) A full body Samurai suit. You can laugh, but seriously, you will be safe inside of this thing. Not to mention, you’ll look like a warrior version of Darth Vader, so hey, it’s all good. At least if your mom tries to beat you, you’ll be safe inside this thing.
2) Some serious lists. I know that desperate times call for desperate measures, and making a list may not seem like the best thing to do, but there’s nothing people sometimes appreciate more than a handwritten sentiment… Plus the pen is sharper than your hypothetical Samurai sword, so whip out your nicest paper and make a list of all the things your mother loves about you, then tape a copy to her mirror, her steering wheel, her makeup bag, her bedroom window, and basically every surface in the house. Maybe if she remembers why she loves you, she won’t want to kill you.
3) A memory ray. Call me crazy, but if you could zap your teacher’s memory before he says something about your grades, all your problems could be solved. Also you might want to check the legal implications of erasing someone’s memory and be prepared to pay them for damages.
4) A defibrillator. Just in case your heart stops beating, it might be nice. Also you should probably assign one of your friends to rescucitate you, should your parents refuse.
5) Your will. You should probably start writing it now, so that you’ll have everything in place before you die. Hire a lawyer too, so you’ll be fully equipped to deal with any unexpected crises that might include your death. Pick out a gravestone while you’re at it.
6) One deep breath in, and one deep breath out. Relax. Because at the end of the day, your parents and teachers care about your success in life. They give you a hard time about your grades because they want to see you go places (like down to hell, just kidding). So don’t worry about it. In the end, how bad can it be? At least you’ll look super cool in your Samurai suit.